Fear Is Not Respect
“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” - Michael Scott, as played by Steve Carell, The Office
I recently heard two dads chatting about how their teenage daughters had started dating. As you may have assumed, they weren’t too pleased with this inevitable event. The one dad pointed out that whenever the boy would walk by his car in the school parking lot, he would give the boy a stern look in an attempt to make the boy fear him. The other dad chimed in, “Good job, that’s exactly how you want it.”
While I kept my mouth shut throughout the whole conversation, I kept wanting to ask exactly what they thought that fear would accomplish. Let’s be honest, keeping teenagers apart based on fear of each other’s parents isn’t exactly a tactic that works. In fact, it can lead to people taking actions out of spite.
I also recently participated in a discussion/argument on Facebook (you know, the best place for that stuff) with another father who said that the reason “kids these days” were so bad was because they didn’t fear their parents and without fear, there can be no respect. I pointed out as nicely as possible that the idea that fear creates respect is ridiculous at best.
Yet even though there’s no logic around the idea that fear and respect are the same thing, I have still witnessed many leaders over the years lead by fear and then heard them talk about how their employees respected them.
I can see why some leaders choose to lead through fear. After all, it’s an easier way to produce some of the same results as respect. Both fear and respect motivate people, drive decisions, and can even push people to work harder. Of course when we do a deeper dive into fear and respect we realize they are not equal.
For instance, if you are looking to build a team that will stick with you for the long haul, fear won’t cut it. Fear doesn’t create community. Fear doesn’t inspire greatness. Only respect that can those things. Fear doesn’t empower people. But mutual respect can move mountains.
I’ve worked with leaders who believed that by keeping their employees on edge, worried for their jobs, they would keep working hard. And they did work hard, very hard actually. But the second they screwed something up, they either covered it up or started shooting blame in every directing attempting to save themselves. The division run by that leader had the highest turnover rate. In fact, it was more than double that of any other team. While that leader was very successful, they were also incredibly isolated and clearly unhappy with the empire that they had created.
On the flip side, I also witnessed other leaders who worked hard to take care of their people and earned their respect. They were rewarded with lasting relationships, low turnover, and a happy team that loved what they were doing.
The path to respect is a harder road that than the path of fear. Respect requires you to put in a lot work. It requires extra hours working hard to help those you are leading. If you want to earn someone’s respect, I would suggest a few specific things you can do.
First, do what you say you are going to do. Keep your promises and always follow through. If for some reason you fail to keep your word, apologize and seek their forgiveness without making excuses.
Second, practice empathy. Ask others about how their doing and actually care about their answer. Be there for people when they need you. Sometimes just showing up for people can be very powerful.
Finally, treat others with respect. Be kind and compassionate, doing your best to treat others as you would want to be treated.
In the end, it may be a lot of work but I promise you it will be worth it. Earning the respect of those around you isn’t just a great feeling… it’s part of being a team player both in the workplace and in life.
-Jason