Ode To My High School Bully
“Calling someone fat doesn’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. All you can do in life is try and solve the problem in front of you.” Cady, as played by Lindsay Lohan, Mean Girls
I’ve been thinking a lot about someone lately who I haven’t seen in nearly two decades — my high school bully. Honestly, he was my bully from elementary school on. It started when we were on a little league baseball team and continued through high school graduation. The bullying from him was never physical but instead took the form of endless harassing and name calling. It got to the point where there were days that I would pretend to be sick, just so I didn’t have to face him again.
I’ve skipped three out of four high school reunions because I didn’t want to see his face or hear his voice. That’s something that until now, I haven’t told a soul. Many years ago, at the one reunion I did attend, I saw him making fun of others and even tried to conscript me into the role of cohort. I was luckily able to sneak away and avoid him for the rest of the evening.
I think the reason he’s been sticking in my head so much is because we have come to a time in our culture where bullies seem to be everywhere. I believe this is because they have the vast platform of social media to spread their hate and fear. We are consistently bombarded with their negative messaging in our everyday lives. These bullies exist at all levels of social strata in our world.
There’s a lot of different solutions to handling bullies and I could frankly spend several articles detailing the ways to go about that. For this article, I want to go about it from a different angle. I believe that while bullies can be very different from one another, they almost all share two common traits.
Insecurity about themselves and an inability to see the perspective of others.
When those people bully others, they are trying to reduce their own insecurity by either highlighting the perceived shortcomings of others or attempting to exert influence in a way that makes the bully feel in control of their situation. Because those bullies also have distinct inability to see other’s perspective, they don’t see their bullying as a problem since it makes them feel better about themselves.
As leaders, we certainly have the ability to fight against bullies. Just like anyone, we can fight fire with fire but I think there is a better tactic. Leaders have the ability to help change the perspective of those around them who have a tendency to bully. And by leaders, I mean, managers, supervisors, teachers, parents, servant leaders, or anyone else who feels the need to make the world around themselves better.
Whenever possible, the first thing that you can do to help when you see someone with bullying tendencies is to build them up. I know that may seem very counterintuitive but remember, as I said, most bullies are insecure. Constantly reprimanding them may very well make them more insecure and only stand to exacerbate the problem. In conversations, focus as much as possible on their positives. Talk about what makes them unique and valuable to the team or group.
Of course, if the bully is making for a bad environment, then you will likely need to take more direct action to stop them. This can still be done by spinning things in a positive direction. For instance, telling them how they are a valued member of the team and explaining that these specific actions are jeopardizing that status within the team.
Your next step is to teach the ability to see the perspective of others. I won’t lie, it’s not an easy task. Most of us learn that ability sometime in grade school and for those the missed that lesson way back then, it’s difficult to teach now.
When I have found myself in these scenarios, I have generally focused on trying to teach perspective through normal everyday work, without actually addressing the topic directly. My strategy revolves around using meetings and other situations to have people explain their thought processes behind ideas. For instance, when someone suggests we accomplish a goal in a certain way, I ask what drove their thinking in that direction. Then I’ll ask others, including the bully, to explain their thoughts behind ideas.
To simplify, instead of taking suggestions or ideas at face value, begin asking why as often as possible. This may take some time but should help to broaden people’s understandings of one another.
I have seen on multiple occasions those two simple suggestions work very well at addressing and correcting the behavior of a would be bully.
I want to reiterate that if a bully is ever creating a toxic work or life environment, then for the safety of others, more direct steps will need to be taken.
Always try to remember that every bully was created by something. People are not born as bullies, it is a learned behavior and I fully believe it can also be unlearned. If you are willing to work with them, you may very well be the person who gets to help them make a real change.
-Jason