I Think Maybe You Heard Me Wrong
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." — Inigo Montoya, as played by Mandy Patinkin, The Princess Bride
Ever said something totally innocuous to someone and suddenly you find that they took it the wrong way? Remember how you couldn’t believe that they would hear your words in that way and have the gall to find them offensive? If you do remember it that way, I’ve got bad news. That’s probably not how it happened — because typically in these situations, the blame falls on the speaker, not the receiver.
To be fair, it’s not really about blame, it’s about communication and something called intention versus impact. How many times in life have you said something to someone and it landed differently than you intended? It happens to pretty much all of us at some point — and even fairly regularly for others. In fact, I’d argue it’s super easy to say something to another person and have them take it the wrong way. The important thing is to remember what I said above, it’s on the speaker to ensure it lands correctly. That may sound like a a lot of pressure — and there is good reason for that. It’s extremely difficult.
We all view the world though our own perception of reality. In general, most of us agree on some pretty standard components to how reality works, but the small differences in the way we see and understand the world can make for vastly different reactions to communication. While many people can’t quantify it, we all have a preferred way to be both spoken to and heard. That’s right, pretty much every person in the world has a specific way that they would like you to talk to them and a specific way in which they would like you to listen to them. When put that way, it can sound incredibly daunting. The good news is using the right techniques, it doesn’t need to be.
The goal sounds simpler when put like this: How do I make sure that people interpret the words I am saying in the way I am intending them to be taken? Step 1 to achieving this goal may seem a bit counter-intuitive, but trust me, it helps build the foundation to enhance your communication. Answer these questions:
What are the things I enjoy in conversations with others?
What are things I despise in conversations with others?
The trick to getting useful knowledge out of the answers is to focus on the other parties in the conversation. What are they doing that is either enjoyable or painful for you? You may not be able to list these things off the top of your head, and even if you can, the list will likely come up a bit short. Which brings us to step 2. In the conversations you have over the coming days, pay attention to the other person. Listen to how their words land with you, which words are good, which are bad. Examine how they deliver their words — tone, body language, mood, etc. From there, try to fill out your list a bit more. Watch for those items to come up in conversations again and validate your feelings around them. Do the things you listed as bad really bother you as much as you thought? Are the positives items always making you feel good?
Step 3 is to start examining how you communicate to others. First, are you doing the things that you enjoy about conversations and avoiding those that seem to be problematic when others do them to you? If everyone communicated the same way, this would be the end of this blog post. You’d have successfully navigated the complex world of communication but alas, that is not the case.
So let’s move on to step 4. By now in this process, hopefully you have a learned a couple things… First, that you have preferences regarding how people both talk and listen to you in conversations, and likely now that you’ve quantified it with a list, those things now stick out like a sore thumb to you. But never fear, that’s a good thing. Hopefully, you’ve also noticed that by really concentrating on others in a conversation, you have inadvertently started noticing their reactions to your words as well. Sure, the original goal was simply to focus on the other person in order to learn more about yourself — but you also are teaching yourself to be more present in conversations with others.
Step 5 may seem fairly obvious at this point.
Be present, ignore distractions and make the conversation you’re having the most important thing happening in that moment.
An aside, one of my favorite actors, Timothy Olyphant, was asked in an interview about his method acting out scenes. His response was the last thing I ever thought I would hear an actor say — he said that he focused on the other performer in the scene as intensely as he could and that through that experience, his own reactions were created. That’s not just a good acting tip, it’s a fantastic communication tip. So go forth and be present. Focus intensely on the other people in your conversations and you’ll find a whole new level of communication will open up to you.
I know it probably seems like we’ve strayed from the original idea of people not hearing your words the way that you understand them, but I promise this was all to get us to step 6. At this point by following steps 1-5, you’ve gained communication superpowers and now it’s time to put them to work. Here’s how to move forward in future conversations:
Be Present: I said it before and I’ll say it again, being present is one of the single most important aspects of any conversation, relationship or any human endeavor.
Be Inquisitive: Ask trusted friends, family and coworkers how they feel about your communication. Invite them to be honest with you and really tell you where you may be lacking. Remembering that each person may see your communication differently and that every one of those viewpoints is just as valid as the others, even if you don’t agree with it.
Be Receptive: Then, most importantly, take that feedback and do something with it. Admit to yourself that superpowers or not, you can always improve your communication.
Be Patient: Understand that it’s going to take time for you to improve your communication and frankly even when you do so, you’ll still find a way to screw it up sometimes.
Be Kind: When in doubt about how to proceed in any communication, just be kind to the people you are interacting with and show them empathy, respect and clarify their communication needs. But also, be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up too much for the missteps you are sure to make.
In the last few years, I have found my communication to be much more successful when using these skills. I sincerely hope that these tools will encourage you to improve your communication style as well.
Jason