You're Not The Boss of Me
“Today I saw a slave become more powerful than the Emperor of Rome.” Lucilla, as played by Connie Nielsen, Gladiator
There are very few phrases in the English language that annoy me more than “you’re not the boss of me.” Sadly, even my kids say it each other. Every time that I hear it, I shudder and then quickly remind them to choose better words. The statement may be annoying but it’s also accurate. Neither of them are the boss of one another. Yet most of the time, one of the kids is able to influence the other to agree upon what to do. I was reflecting on why that phrase bothers me so much and I think I’ve finally got it.
Almost two decades ago, I started working in the corporate world. For the first eleven years of that, I was a nobody. That might be a bit of an extreme spin on it. But the truth is that in the corporate hierarchy, I was indeed treated as a nobody.
Now to my boss, a vice president, I was someone who knew how to get things done. Many times I would jokingly refer to myself as a henchman. Even though I didn’t have some fancy title or any actual authority to tell people what to do, my boss would consistently tell me projects were my fault if they weren’t finished on time. It was my job on the line if a project failed.
Unfortunately, the people actually doing the work didn’t care about getting the project done. I started to learn slowly that even if I couldn’t tell people to do the work, I could still influence them to get it done. The path to success was talking to their subordinates, their peers and selling the work as if it was more worthwhile to them than they thought it was.
The best piece of knowledge that I gained through all this was learning what made each person tick. Learning what drove them to get things done. Once I understood that, it helped me to influence them to work on whatever was needed. Here’s the coolest part - it wasn’t difficult. It just required me to pay attention to things that were being said in meetings. I watched the managers argue with one another and it was really eye opening. It got to where I could start predicting people’s reactions to different ideas in meetings and it allowed me to make my boss even more successful. I had stumbled upon the key to influential power.
It took awhile, but finally my boss realized what I was bringing to the table. It was decided that I would be the person to officially be in “charge” of the next project. When I showed up to the first meeting, one of the other managers asked me if I was there to take notes. That was a bit of a crushing moment because at that point, I finally thought that it was my chance at the big leagues. After hearing that comment, my boss took the project away from me.
In that moment, I knew there was no path for me to move up at that company. I thought that I might as well hone my skills in influential power. I spent the next several years doing just that. And here’s what I learned. Influential power is much more effective than authoritative power. Anyone with the right position can tell you what to do… but not everyone can influence you do something when they have no authority to do so. And even fewer people can make you charge forward into battle willingly because they helped you realize it was what needed to be done.
I don’t want it to sound like I am bragging about the skills I have learned. Despite what my mom might tell you, I am not anything special. In fact, given my situation, it’s a bit embarrassing how long it took me to learn those skills. But I do think it is an important lesson to learn.
We may do things in life because someone IS the boss of us, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only reason. In fact the best leaders, bosses or not, are those who can inspire and influence you to do the right thing. Someone once told me that “the best leader can make anyone want to scrub toilets” — and I couldn’t agree more with that statement.
So why does the phrase “you’re not the boss of me” make me so annoyed? Because being a leader isn’t about being the boss of someone. Being a leader is about leading. Saying “you’re not the boss of me” isn’t just telling someone that they aren’t in charge. It’s also telling them that you don’t care what they want.
That’s probably what bothers me most. Luckily, that phrase isn’t uttered directly by too many people in an office setting. Yet, I have seen it implied in many different ways. Whether it’s denying a coworker help on a project or blatantly going against their wishes, you’re still saying what they want doesn’t matter.
But I’m not going to blame the people who don’t care about what you want. I am going to let the blame rest on you as the leader. After all, it’s your job to influence and inspire. It’s not always an easy task. Sometimes it’s an impossible task, but here are some ideas I use to make it happen.
When asking someone to help with a work project, it can be helpful to think about what’s in it for them. What benefits will they realize when it is completed? And how do you know what’s in it for them? Listen to your coworkers and learn about their goals as employees. If your project can help forward these goals, then gaining their help is much more likely.
Help others on their projects whenever you can. As a leader, helping others should always be one of your goals. Leaders, in my opinion, should be very much invested in the success of others.
Finally, accept that influencing and inspiring others will not always work. This can be true even when your goals align. Also remember that using your influence on others should never involve using guilt to convince them to help you. That’s not influence… It’s extortion. We should only be using our superpowers for good!
Hopefully those ideas will help you hone your ability to influence and inspire others. Go out and give it a try.
It’s your turn now!
-Jason