When Truth-Telling is Hard
“You can’t handle the truth.” Colonel Nathan Jessup, as played by Jack Nicholson, A Few Good Men
Several years ago I was at some event, the details of which I cannot quite remember. I do however remember one brief conversation I had with a guy there. If I remember correctly, we were engaged in some meandering small talk. Somehow we ended up talking about spiders and he says, “You know, the most poisonous spider in the world is the daddy long legs but their fangs are too small to pierce human skin.”
It was at that point I deflected with a slight chuckle and then steered the conversation into a new direction. In case you don’t know, the aforementioned “fact” about the daddy long legs is unequivocally false. There was a time in my youth when I actually believed it to be a true fact. But thanks to a healthy fear of spiders that forced me to confront this fear through large amounts of reading, I discovered it to be untrue.
In that moment, when that dude told me the false fact, I decided not to bother correcting him. I felt uncomfortable telling him that he was wrong because I knew it would be embarrassing for him. He had proudly touted the “fact” as a super cool tidbit. So I did nothing. I honestly didn’t feel like it was a big deal.
Fast forward to today where the truth has become this fickle thing. Facts are ignored by large groups of people and are replaced by personal anecdotes and straight up falsehoods. I point this out to remind us that telling the truth, even when it’s hard, is incredibly important. If I knew then what I know now, I would have told that dude the truth about the stupid spider.
I understand that standing up and speaking the truth in the midst of widely agreed upon falsehoods can be scary. It’s bound to create conflict, which is something avoided by many people whenever possible. Of course, the level of conflict is likely based on how important the false facts are by a person. For instance, spider dude would have been embarrassed but would have been unlikely to become irate and cause a scene.
If you are instead telling someone that facts they hold closely about themselves or things in which they strongly believe are wrong, you might be in for a confrontation. But we cannot let our fear stop us from standing up for what is true.
I started doing this thing awhile back on Facebook. Whenever I noticed a friend post a story or belief that I knew to be incorrect, I would find a source that explains the truth and then link it in the comments. I’ll admit, this hasn’t always produced a positive response. Instead, I have been blocked by people, even a family member or two. Think about that… In the face of someone linking to a source with the actual facts, their response was to block the person attempting to do some truth-telling.
On the flip side, I have had a few people message me and thank me for giving them correct information. I’ve even seen some of them remove their original false posts. That tells me that what I am doing is worthwhile. Even if it costs me a few friends in the long run.
There’s another facet to consider when truth-telling… and that is delivery. The way that we speak the truth to others can greatly impact the way that it is received. I know some people who would say that the delivery doesn’t matter because the truth is the truth and that’s all that matters. I disagree with this idea because we need to remember that it’s not just about telling the truth… it’s about helping people come around to believe the truth.
The old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. The same goes for knowledge. If we confront someone in an off-putting way, then we very much lessen the chances of actually changing their minds. So, I suggest that we always try and speak humbly and respectfully when truth-telling. That said, some people do not want the truth. As Jack Nicholson told us, “[They] can’t handle the truth”.
I once worked with a person who had the inability to see when they were being unreasonable and couldn’t see when an issue was with their personality and not other people’s actions. I tried over a dozen different tactics to help them to understand that the issues they were continually experiencing were not solely the fault of others, but instead were something created by them as well. It never clicked for them. I wouldn’t be surprised if still to this day, they think that all the failures they experienced were only due to issues brought on by others.
I’ll end with a quick story that was a turning point for me in talking about the truth. I was telling a story to my coach about an issue that I had experienced at work with several co-workers. As I retold the story to my coach, something hit me. I stopped and said, “When I tell the story like that, I sound like I’m the jerk in this situation.” Without missing a beat, my coach replied, “Yes Jason, that’s exactly what it sounds like to me.”
He just laid it out there and it landed on me like a ton of bricks. I realized in that situation, I was the bad guy. I was the problem. The biggest issue with the situation wasn’t the problems caused by others. The issue was my reaction to those problems. It completely changed my perspective.
What if he hadn’t been willing to tell the truth in that situation? What if he had instead said, “No Jason, none of this is your fault.” I would have moved on not realizing that I needed to change. That one moment changed so much for me in how I approach situations.
What if you choose not to stand up and tell the truth? What positive growth might others miss out on?
It’s up to you, my friends.
-Jason